"Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke." - Rodney Dangerfield
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." - Joan Rivers
"A drunk mans words are a sober man’s thoughts." - Steve Fergosi
"Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly." - Rita Rudner
"Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it." - Bob Hope
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble."
"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose."
“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” - Robin Williams
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." Joan Rivers
"Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write."
"Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bs."
"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."
"Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any"
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."
"Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?"
"America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote."
"There are two kinds of friends: those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you."
"Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."
"Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out."
"When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the woman is."
and the best one...
"Its so funny how the people who know the least about you, have the most to say."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." - Joan Rivers
"A drunk mans words are a sober man’s thoughts." - Steve Fergosi
"Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly." - Rita Rudner
"Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it." - Bob Hope
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble."
"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose."
“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” - Robin Williams
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." Joan Rivers
"Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write."
"Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bs."
"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."
"Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any"
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."
"Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?"
"America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote."
"There are two kinds of friends: those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you."
"Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."
"Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out."
"When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the woman is."
and the best one...
"Its so funny how the people who know the least about you, have the most to say."
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