Calming Thoughts Needed

Discussion in 'The Refreshment Lounge' started by ThanatosTA, Dec 5, 2012.

  1. ThanatosTA

    ThanatosTA Premium Member

    So, I'm having a crappy day. I had a co-worker throw me under the bus by sending out an email to cover his mistake (again) and now my boss wants me in his office to talk to me about my "attitude". Someone tell me a joke or something, quick!

  2. crono782

    crono782 Premium Member

    "An Irishman walks out of a bar."
  3. ThanatosTA

    ThanatosTA Premium Member

    That took a second to sink in, but I got it :)
  4. JJones

    JJones Moderator Staff Member

    Here's a good one:

    There was once a lodge that had a horrible rat problem. It seemed as though nothing the members did could keep the rats away!
    They tried traps of all sorts, sprayed and placed poisons, and even hired a few exterminators to no fact the problem seemed to be getting worse.
    Finally, a new WM was installed and assured the brethren that he knew exactly how to handle this rat problem, just leave it to him.
    Sure enough, at the next stated meeting there wasn't a rat to be found in the lodge room. "How did you get the rats to go away?" everyone asked.
    The WM replied, "Simple, I made them all Master Masons!"
    Pretty funny if you ask me, even if it's a bit sad because it's true.
  5. crono782

    crono782 Premium Member

    A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "Why are those pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
    The bartender explained, "It's a competition we have every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks all night!"
    The man asks, "What if I can't touch them?" to which the bartender replies "You have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar all night."
    The man shook his head and decided not to play. When the bartender asked why not, the man said...

    "The steaks are too high."
  6. ThanatosTA

    ThanatosTA Premium Member


  7. sands67

    sands67 Premium Member

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

    Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a

    fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

    One of the clerks passed out.
  8. ThanatosTA

    ThanatosTA Premium Member

    LOL, nice :)
  9. Benjamin Baxter

    Benjamin Baxter Moderator Staff Member

    That's pretty good sounds like some retirees I know.

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