Things never to say to a woman.

Discussion in 'Fun and Notables' started by BryanMaloney, Aug 16, 2013.

  1. BryanMaloney

    BryanMaloney Premium Member

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    I note there are younger men on this board system. I am sure that, like most young men, you wish to spend your life with a woman. My first advice, from someone who has spent many more years in full-time adult companionship with a woman than without, is don't. You will live longer, you will be wealthier, and you will be happier. If you go to any gathering place of men and wish to find the bachelors, look for men who have all their hair, smile spontaneously, and have no bags under their eyes. Most of you will ignore this advice. I was once a young fool, too.

    Do not take this to mean that women are horrible creatures. I have yet to find any diversion more pleasant than a good time spent with a good woman. The trick lies in the frequency of such good times (low), the frequency of good women willing to share them (even lower), the labor necessary to cultivate a good enough time (high), and the usefulness of those quintessentially masculine qualities of reason and probity in creating these good times (zilch). Therefore, I offer the following advice, to be used to not so much create a good time but avoid that most unpleasant of situations, Being in The Dog House.

    Women talk. They talk about events. They talk about people. They talk about talking about events and people. While two men could be happily involved in an activity such as fishing, playing pool, enjoying a sporting event, and hardly share a word, such an experience would be purgatorial for a woman. As all responsibility for maintaining any inter-gender relationship rests upon the shoulders of the man (if you have not already learned this, you soon shall), you will have to overcome your natural inclinations to stoicism and indulge in "conversation". A guide to "conversation" would be an amazing boon to men, helping them have decades of smooth sailing in affairs of the heart.

    This is not a guide to "conversation".

    Instead, it is simply a set of pointers to help avoid the worst possible things to say in a "conversation" with a woman, accompanied by explanatory notes. By now, if you have read this far, you must actually be interested in women, otherwise, you would have moved on to something more interesting. I will begin with the most common of mistakes:

    "But you said..."
    This is a very common error when speaking with women. It is based on the not-unreasonable presumption that what someone says is actually what someone means or wants, and acting contrary to these statements is merely a momentary lapse. This presumption should be banished from your mind. Never, under any circumstances, presume that what a woman says will have any connection in the future to either how she will act or what she will want in the future. What she says at a given moment will only be true for that given moment, no further. If her present acts do not match her past words, it is your fault. You did not properly understand her previous words.

    "I thought we had agreed..."
    This is a variant on the last mistake, but it is even more serious, because it calls into question her fundamental honesty. You must banish masculine concepts of agreements or promises from your mind. Yes, you and she did agree--yesterday. If she acts in a way that looks like she is not living up to that agreement, it is your fault. She is living up to it. You misunderstood the agreement.

    "I did it exactly like you told me to."
    In some jurisdictions, any man who says this to a woman may be legally shot dead on the spot. You are never to carry out instructions exactly as she gives them to you. You are to carry them out exactly as she meant to give them to you. It is your responsibility to know what that is and your fault if you do not. This is doubly true if what you think were the instructions you were given turn out to be complete lunacy. In that case, you not only failed to understand what she meant to tell you, but you did so in such a way as to make her look especially bad.

    "That is not what I think."
    "You can't read my mind."
    "You do not have telepathic powers."
    If you say this to a woman, be sure your dog really likes you--that's where you'll be sleeping for a week. Each step down the line of these statements doubles the time you will be penalized. She does know what you think. She can read your mind. She has telepathic powers. It is you who who has no idea what you think, believe, mean, or intend. Indeed, you have no thoughts at all until such time as she gives them to you. (By the way, if you tell her that, get a hammer and some boards, you'll need to build yourself a shed to live in.) It does not matter what you think you think. If she says you think something, you think it. To disagree with her is not merely being argumentative, it is objectively lying to her, since she most certainly does know what you are thinking at any moment--just ask her. You merely don't understand your own mind.

    "How am I supposed to know if nobody tells me?"
    "I can't read your mind."
    Sorry, but you are supposed to know without being told. You are also not permitted to ask. You are also able to read her mind, otherwise it would be childish and irrational of her to expect you to know. Note that this mind-reading ability is extremely limited, not approaching the superheroic levels of her telepathic powers. Thus, while you are expected to immediately know her every desire without being told, you are unable to know what she actually thinks--except for when you are expected to know. Just to make things clear: It is wrong for you to ask. You are to simply know. You don't understand her.

    "Why is it wrong for me to ... but okay for ..."
    No. Bad. Very bad. Do not even think this, much less say it. Even if she doesn't realize this is what you are thinking. Considering even a single instance of such will let loose the floodgates of this memory for you, and you will drown. Rules do not apply to women except when they are applying them liberally to your forehead, with a 16oz claw hammer. It does not matter that she is happy to go to a bar with her friends, her daughter, her co-workers. You, on the other hand, are never to take her to a bar or any other establishment that serves alcohol. When they take her to these places every other week, they are just being friendly. When you take her, you're just turning into an alcoholic who can't have fun without booze, even if the last time you set foot in such an establishment was more than a year ago and you haven't touched a drop once in that time. This is, of course, merely a hypothetical example. The point is that rules apply to you, so stop being silly about things like "consistency" or "sanity". You don't understand how rules work.

    "I took it to the curb three days ago, the last time the garbageman was here."
    This is a specific instance of a broader "I did X the last time it was actually sensible to do X." Very bad move. It is your fault that the garbageman isn't there every day. You just don't understand how to make garbage collection or any other aspect of the wider world work properly.

    "Wow, you look great."
    Yes, you are supposed to say this, but only when she wants you to. It does not matter that seeing her face gives you a feeling that can only be equaled by memories of that one Christmas you hosted where every single thing went absolutely right, without a single hitch, from the all-natural tree being decorated on time, complete with a model train carrying home-made cookies around it, to the dinner coming together, to no children fighting, to the presents piled up high and distributed without confusion. It does not matter that seeing her wearing saggy sweatpants and a paint-stained T-shirt makes you feel that good. She doesn't believe it, so you must be lying, and if you're lying like that, then you must be up to something. You are only to compliment her when she wants it, as she wants it. You don't understand how she really looks.

    I hope this will help younger men to have smoother sailing with women than so many of your elders have. It is very far from comprehensive. Indeed, I do not believe it would be possible to catalogue all things said by men that displease women, regardless of what was actually meant by them. Just remember the following:

    You are wrong.
    You will always be wrong.
    And, no matter what you do, do not let her know that you know this, because it will mean that you don't understand.
     
  2. WilliamBixlerOK

    WilliamBixlerOK Registered User

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    Told my son many years ago, three things to a happy relationship: "yes dear", "I am sorry", and " I was wrong"

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  3. robhummeljr

    robhummeljr Registered User

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    As my father said, expect to be forever wrong no matter how right you may be.


    My Freemasonry
     
  4. rebis

    rebis Premium Member

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    Mindless regurgitations.
    Follow the advice above and she will lose respect for you and perhaps even cheat on you.

    How's this for an idea:

    Know who you are and know what you want.
    Strength of character, integrity, loyalty and honor...that is how you will gain and maintain her long term reverence and admiration.

    And most important... always remember that a man who does not spend time with his family can never be a real man.

    Cheers :)



    My Freemasonry
     
  5. BryanMaloney

    BryanMaloney Premium Member

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    I really should remember that irony and satire have to be explicitly marked as such in the modern era, when humor has been reduced to being either fart jokes or bland political correctness (with the occasional comedic genius coming up with a politically correct fart).
     
  6. WilliamBixlerOK

    WilliamBixlerOK Registered User

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    I have been married for 22 plus years nearly half my life. My wife and I have the highest regard for one another. But I have come to understand that if you think you know what she is thinking, you find that it is not the case. As for d poo ending time

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  7. WilliamBixlerOK

    WilliamBixlerOK Registered User

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    As for spending time with my family in all the time I've been married and had children and grandchildren, time with them has been much and high quality. Just don't ever think you are correct most of the time, just love them and adapt.

    Sent from my SGH-T999 using My Freemasonry HD mobile app
     
  8. David N.

    David N. Premium Member

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    "My wife and I agreed, when we got married, that she would make all of the small decisions. I, as man of the house, would make all of the big decisions. It's amazing, after all these years of marriage, that we've never faced any big decisions."
     
  9. robhummeljr

    robhummeljr Registered User

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    In an attempt during an argument some years back to prove that I can make decisions that are good I threw down the "I made the decision to marry you" card. My wife promptly quipped back with how's that working out for you now. Needless to say I've grown accustom to the shade of blue in the living room.


    My Freemasonry
     
  10. BryanMaloney

    BryanMaloney Premium Member

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    Do you smile on alternate Tuesdays, or do you think that to be an excessive frivolity?
    Not that there's anything wrong with that...
     

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