Middleworth, AR - In response to the attacks on Paris, rampant violence in Syria, Egypt, and the threat of attacks on the United States of America, Sir Knight Jim Nelson has declared war on the Islamic State. Noting that he is committed to a campaign against the most active and dangerous terrorist organization in the world, Nelson, a squat, rotund
knight aged 53, stated: “I’ve been training for this day since I completed my Order of the Temple at the Commandery in a Day conferral two years ago. Nowhere else in Masonry is the military precision of the Knights Templar found. We are constantly exhorted through not-so-subtle hints in our national publication, the Knights Templar Magazine, to fight. Whether it’s the inundation of patriotic quotes by Reagan or the suggestion that we exact specific partisan political change, in full contravention of our obligation as Masons, the Magazine inspires us to pick up our swords and fight against Islam. And let’s not forget the Facebook groups dedicated to the York Rite filled with Crusader memes and warmongering messages posted by other men of similar age and stature to my own. It’s really a beautiful thing to see that kind of messaging across so many platforms.”
Drawing his blade and bringing it to a carry position, Nelson excitedly proclaimed, “I know so many ways to win this war. I can carry and present, deposit my chapeau, and form the arch of steel better than anyone in my Commandery. And I have, for as long as I have been in Commandery, attended every meeting, so I know how to run a crusader state once we boot those killers out of Syria and reestablish control of the Holy Land! We are just the best and strongest force to take care of these vermin.”
When The Past Bastard last spoke to SK Nelson, he was was making plans to purchase tickets to Turkey and packing his dress sword, Class A uniform, chapeau, polished shoes, and 100 count bottle of Lipitor for his journey. There is no word on whether or not fellow Sir Knights will answer his call to arms, but The Past Bastard will provide updates as this story progresses.
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When The Past Bastard last spoke to SK Nelson, he was was making plans to purchase tickets to Turkey and packing his dress sword, Class A uniform, chapeau, polished shoes, and 100 count bottle of Lipitor for his journey. There is no word on whether or not fellow Sir Knights will answer his call to arms, but The Past Bastard will provide updates as this story progresses.
- Reginald Farquar, XVI°
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