Hehe, I'll tell you a mystery sir. You probably wouldn't have ever thought that I have dropped out of High School, as eloquent as my writing is. (I dropped out due to being in the Methadone Clinic from age 15-17. The Teachers would always use me as a prime example of someone who would never become or make anything out of my life. So I dropped out, and became a Welder making twice their Salery. On the side in my addiction years, I've read the Bible, and studied Psychology and became addicted to words. In a sense that you can explain your experiences in a pool of an interesting vocabulary, that the reader may understand the writer's experience as if the reader was indeed experiencing it themselves.)
I've studied many things, upon restless lonely nights. My favorite psychology studies involved the Jacques Derrida's Deconstruction theory, and Carl Jung in the jungian psychology, explaining the shadow. The reason why I studied these things, was because I felt that there wasn't help for me. So I wanted to understand why it was, that I felt the way I do throughout my traumatic life. Ive been diagnosed with a severe case of PTSD, and it has brought me deep in the depths of my own subconsciousness to awaken a spiritual awakening with myself. I can remain calm, when the whole world is flipping its lid. I can remain calm, and honest and speak of my whole entire life as I'm staring in your eyes. Because I feel that with certain words, they are powerful enough to keep oneself from completely going insane.
But in all honesty my speech is rather not as interesting, or eloquent as my writing. Ive had the chance to tell my story a few years ago in front of atleast 100 people in an AA Meeting. I was 21, and I was bluntly as I was honest in telling it. I stood there with tears rolling down my face, as I watched the others silently wipe the tears off of their face. Ive noticed from that point on, in staying honest with everything there is nothing in this world that can hurt you, and your words will live long after you have lived in the hearts of those you have touched and the hearts of those for future generations to come. Immortality is as simple as a loving kindness gesture to a complete stranger in need of an answer to something of their ownselfs. To give them hope, for a reason to do better for themselves. When the doctors told me there was no hope in me ever coming out of the depressive state that I'm in. That gave me hope to find something that would. So thats the reason why I wanna become a better man, it's not because it's satisfying as it is desirable, but because I was told that it would be impossible for me to become one.
I have found out that a Mason isn't just a person that goes to a Lodge amongst a group of other Mason's. But a Mason is a Mason in his heart, and thats the drive of a Mason is to never give up in bettering yourself as the eye of the world is upon you, and the reward of a true Mason is to die a well beloved and happy man. And in my heart thats all I want, it's not to gain the mysteries or secrets of the fraternity. But it's to die Happy, and die loved amongst a group, that too can be a form of immortality. For the greatest mystery of them all, to be the greatest charitable gift. Is the gift of oneself, out of selfless love to another human being, and not expecting anything in return is the path in becoming a well beloved and honest man. I would gladly give up my hand or shoulder to someone who is in distress and not tell them that everything will be alright but to simply cry with them telling them that there is much happier place beyond what the human mind can imagine that will end all suffering. That it's more like a happy endless dream standing in the night sky on a star lit night dancing with the illuminated colors of the northern lights wrapped around you as if they were trying to hug you.
Sometimes you can't read what God has planned for anyone, you simply have to feel it.