“It’s an insult to Americans everywhere,” said GEKT spokesperson David Goldstein. “Starbucks declared war on Christmas, and a war on Christmas means a war on Christians. The Knights Templar are the Masonic soldiers of Christ, and we will do whatever we can to defend the Christian faith.”
Goldstein went on to say that the most important thing was to order all Knights, and their subordinate Council and Chapter bodies, to stop buying Starbucks coffee. Knowing that this would be a difficult deprivation, Fellow Knight Jon Chung came up with a plan. “Look, we’re only human,” he said. “Giving up coffee completely is ridiculous. But we taste-tested the coffees at a number of other chains, and we’re going to give our recommendations to the American Commanderies around the US and Canada. There are lots of other chains that have good coffee.”
Knights will be directed to buy their coffee from Tim Hortons, Dunkin Donuts, and surprisingly, McDonalds. “There are two reasons for this,” explained strategist Amar Singh. “First, McDonald’s actually has good coffee, according to the various blind taste tests that we’ve had. But there’s also the fact that they sell it under the Golden Arches, which ties into our Royal Arch Degree. I’m sure that all Sir Knights can get behind that idea.” He paused for a moment and added, “Plus, there’s the extra bonus that a medium coffee at McDonald’s is still only a dollar. Since most of our brothers are a bit tight, that may end up being the biggest reason of all.”
--Conte Calvino Gliostro
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