Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is an a-hole?
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.
When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any
Putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic is like Betty White going out and getting breast implants.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…†A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…â€
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with lower back tattoos?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
