Looking for advice

[JJones]

Hello brothers,

I have a short story I feel I need to share. I've felt as though I'd need to talk about it at some point and get it off my chest but I've never been able to talk about it. I'll give more details if someone desires and I find myself able however this is a subject that still, two years later, leaves me seeing red and feeling instantly stressed when it's brought up.

Two years ago I was the JW of my lodge. Now, I feel I should mention that I'm a firm believer that a lodge should only elect capable men with leadership qualities to leadership positions. Our SD that year was a man who had already demitted from our lodge before in a fit of anger but we had allowed to rejoin the lodge. When elections rolled around I nominated who I felt was the most qualified member of our lodge to take my place instead of nominating the SD instead of following the progressive line.

The SD probably expected this, as he had a friend of his from another lodge attend our meeting and nominate him. (This friend may have still been a member of our lodge, I know he was once). The SD was elected to be the JW for the next masonic year despite my nomination but I still noticed he was constantly glaring at me from across the room during the rest of the meeting. After the meeting closed I turned to talk to one of my stewards so I didn't notice what happened until I was told.

The SD pulled off his apron and blazer, strode across the lodge room and slammed the bible shut (we had to replace that bible as he ripped the spine. He stopped for a moment to pick up the S&C that flew out when he did so. After that I felt a firm hand on my shoulder that turned me around and I found myself standing face to face with a very angry (and very large) SD that appeared ready to fight.

He kept demanding I tell him why I didn't nominate him (he had got the position anyhow) as he continued to get more and more in my face. Several of the brothers had to pull him away from me and he grabbed a demit form and left.

Several of us wanted to file masonic charges but cooler heads (not mine) prevailed and we all decided it was probably best to let it go. We figured he wouldn't be back at our lodge and didn't believe any other lodges would let him join either (word traveled fast).

Fast forward to tonight. I learned that this man has been trying to get back into our lodge (for a third time). He's still buddies with one of our current members and I think he's going to push for us to let him back in, that way they can help each other get into the East. I've learned that these two gentlemen had spoke to one another after I left our fundraiser last Saturday and the old SD understands that he likely won't be allowed to rejoin our lodge right away but he'd like to start attending meetings once again.

So I suppose my first question is this: Was I in the wrong?

Secondly, if he tries to attend lodge while I'm still WM what are my options? I feel it's my duty to maintain peace and harmony in the lodge so I absolutely refuse to open or sit in a lodge while that man is attending. To be honest, I'm not sure I could even open a lodge if I wanted to with him in there...I don't think I'd be physically capable of doing so, when I see him my adrenaline starts pumping and I get all shaky.

I think I'll tell my SW not to put me down for any offices should he start coming back. I hate to back down like that but Freemasonry is supposed to be enjoyable and brothers are supposed to feel comfortable and among good friends. I'm a very forgiving person but I feel what he did was reprehensible. If that happens I'm not sure that I'll get involved anywhere else. We have some good lodges nearby that I like to visit on occasion but they're more or less in the state my lodge was in when I joined. It's taken seven years to get our lodge in the healthy state it's in, I don't know that I'll have to motivation to do so again.

Thanks for reading my brothers.

 

[widows son]

NOT IN THE WRONG AT ALL! My brother, you have the absolute right to vote who YOU feel is right to hold a position in the Lodge, just as any other brother. The fact that he confronted you should tell you that the ballot wasn't anonymous When you are master, YOU are master. I believe in forgiveness and giving chances, but it seems this guys hasn't learned from the first time that the fraternity doesn't allow that sort of behavior. In the end what you believe is your right to act on it. If you feel someone isn't fit to hold a position in the lodge then that's your right to feel that based on your vote. I truly hope that this problem passes without any sort of animosity... As explained in the EA degree. My advice is follow what your think is right. Take care.

 

[Michael Hatley]

Secondly, if he tries to attend lodge while I'm still WM what are my options? I feel it's my duty to maintain peace and harmony in the lodge so I absolutely refuse to open or sit in a lodge while that man is attending. To be honest, I'm not sure I could even open a lodge if I wanted to with him in there...I don't think I'd be physically capable of doing so, when I see him my adrenaline starts pumping and I get all shaky.

Wiser men on laws, bylaws and the powers of a WM will have to answer on your "legal" options.

The first thing that comes to mind though is that refusing to open the lodge, or having a scene where he is refused entry or the like would not create or lead to peace and harmony. It would likely exacerbate the situation at a quick clip.

I'd say to dig deep and soldier through it.

The adrenaline shakes I understand extremely well. Got em in the service a bunch. Used get it from skydiving as I'm afraid of heights. Its gotten better.

Is it possible to make an internal decision: that no matter what happens, that no matter what is said, that no matter what he does - that you will not, under any circumstances, answer violence with violence? And that, under no circumstances, no matter what happens, you will not rise to being baited?

You have to make that sort of decision in other areas of life. In basic training, for example if you've experienced that. To get through that you have to make a mental decision that you will not rise to the drill sgts yelling at you, or respond in kind if they do lay their hands on you. You are able to do that because they outrank you, and because the penalty for doing so would be severe.

It is the firm mental decision that removes the adrenaline from the equation. The absolute decision. The same with skydiving. Once you've made the decision, completely, to do it - calmness comes.

There is a quote I like - "Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds its certainty." The source is a mediocre one (a television show), but in my experience, it is true. I've felt it, and I've seen it in men facing death.

It is the certainty that brings calm. And thats what I mean about making the decision, for well and true, in your bones that you will not, under any circumstances, lose your composure.

You have nothing to prove as a man. You've proven it by sitting where you sit and all the things that got you there. You do not have to save face.

If you search within yourself you may be able to come to this firm decision, and it may provide you the calm dignity that will be required.

If, after soul searching, you find you cannot - then that is another thing. But the first thing I'd do is to take a few days and consider if it is possible, and try to.

No matter what happens you'll need to let your senior officers understand your situation and ask for their support. Being able to look a trusted man in the eye during a time of difficulty, a man who knows your struggle and mentally shares your burden can mean a whole lot.

Strength, Brother.

 

[Bill Lins]

Was I in the wrong?

Absolutely not. Any member of the Lodge has the right, without exception, to nominate any other Brother to any office for which he is qualified under GL Law.

Secondly, if he tries to attend lodge while I'm still WM what are my options? I feel it's my duty to maintain peace and harmony in the lodge so I absolutely refuse to open or sit in a lodge while that man is attending.

1. You CANNOT exclude him from coming into the Lodge as long as he is in good standing, i.e. dues paid up & not suspended or laboring under charges. (My personal opinion, based upon this incident and his past behavior, is that charges should have been filed, but I wasn't there. He doesn't sound like someone I'd care to be associated with, either as a Mason or otherwise, but that's just me.)

2. Your Brethren elected you to serve as WM & they expect you to do your job. IMHO, you do not have the right to refuse to open Lodge just because he's there. The only way you could legally do so would be to not attend yourself, in which case you'd just be dumping your problem off onto your SW, which wouldn't be fair to him. Once the Lodge is open, you DO have the right to have your Marshal remove him if he disrupts the peace & harmony of the Lodge and, if it was me, I would certainly do so. (I would hold a meeting beforehand with the other officers & let them know your intentions if such were to occur.)

If it were me, I'd try to kill him with kindness. If he acts up again, I'd damn sure file on him- our gentle Craft doesn't need "Brothers" like the one you describe.

 

[JJones]

Thanks already for the feedback my brothers.

The fact that he confronted you should tell you that the ballot wasn't anonymous

Well the nominations weren't anonymous. Does your lodge usually have people make nominations on slips of paper or something?

Is it possible to make an internal decision: that no matter what happens, that no matter what is said, that no matter what he does - that you will not, under any circumstances, answer violence with violence? And that, under no circumstances, no matter what happens, you will not rise to being baited?

I like to think I'm not a violent person, for better or worse I've never even been in a (real) fight. I don't think it would come down to this, at least not on my part.

Personally I think what I'm feeling is some sort of basic 'fight or flight' response. I can feel myself tensing up all over and it's a rather unpleasant experience overall.

(My personal opinion, based upon this incident and his past behavior, is that charges should have been filed, but I wasn't there. He doesn't sound like someone I'd care to be associated with, either as a Mason or otherwise, but that's just me.)

I've retyped my response to this a few times. I'd say hindsight is 20/20 but I shared the same personal opinion as you even back when this came up.

2. Your Brethren elected you to serve as WM & they expect you to do your job. IMHO, you do not have the right to refuse to open Lodge just because he's there. The only way you could legally do so would be to not attend yourself, in which case you'd just be dumping your problem off onto your SW, which wouldn't be fair to him. Once the Lodge is open, you DO have the right to have your Marshal remove him if he disrupts the peace & harmony of the Lodge and, if it was me, I would certainly do so. (I would hold a meeting beforehand with the other officers & let them know your intentions if such were to occur.)

I'm not sure that my SW or JW would stay behind either and I know my SD would be leaving. Still, like you said, I was elected to lead and I should be expected to do so. It might not even come down to it until my year is up anyhow but I'll definitely speak with my wardens about it.

I appreciate the words of advice my brothers.

 

[rpbrown]

First, I feel that you were in the right in your decision to nominate someone else. I commend you on your restraint. In my past years I am afraid that I would have dropped to his level and retaliated. However, I have mellowed out over the years and think now that cooler heads should prevail.
Second, charges against this man should have been brought. Not sure what the time limit is, but any reason they cannot still be levied?
Third, as stated above, it is your duty as WM to "open and govern the lodge". That means when necessary to open, you should do so. Again as stated above, if he causes problems in an open lodge, your Marshall should be ordered to remove him.

I would suspect however, that if he is trying to regain membership in your lodge, he would come hat in hand with apologies. to you and all that were present. At least he should. Not doing so and just showing up would be cause for votes against his reinstatement in my eyes.

 

[Michael Neumann]

There was a guy at my last job that elicited a similar response from my person. Easy, handle yourself as a gentleman, do not be baited. Disregard him, act as if he is not there, look around the lodge as you normally do.

BUT if he does touch you in any means other than to shake your hand. Have him escorted from the lodge and file on him.

I generally answer violence with violence. I am a gentleman at all times, even when exacting vengence. If you attack me/my family through physical means or otherwise I see to it that you tremble in my presence after our exchange has been completed. His hand would have become one with the compass at the very first exchange and then I would have attended to his wounds.

Always act and behave as a gentleman and a gentleman lets no man rattle him.

 

[widows son]

Yes JJones. I miss mis read that part of your comment. My apologies.

 

[dfreybur]

I would suspect however, that if he is trying to regain membership in your lodge, he would come hat in hand with apologies. to you and all that were present. At least he should. Not doing so and just showing up would be cause for votes against his reinstatement in my eyes.

If he comes with an apology. It's a big if. Without such an apology I'd be inclined to vote against him and even to speak against accepting his petition for affiliation the meeting it is read by reciting his history in the lodge. More than one demit over disharmony issues and damaging a VSL in anger with no apology? Not when I'm an officer in the lodge.

And if you're tempted to vote against him anyways I'd understand. I'd need to look up in the law book to see if a reinstatement takes a ballot or majority vote or whatever. Once a member again there's the combination that the WM is obliged to open his lodge and no member may be barred from a meeting. But if this brother is currently on an open demit there's nothing barring you from voting against him. I don't think there's a reason to remain silent before the question is called for the vote but that's better handled privately before the meeting if possible. I think an affiliation request is received in one month and voted on the next so you should be able to address the matter privately in that time.

History of disrupting the harmony of the lodge is a Masonicly valid reason to vote no. I favor giving people a second chance but you report this is not his first cycle through this process. I'm not as generous about giving people a third chance as I am a second chance.

 

[chrmc]

The actual behavior of Masons is one of the thing that has disappointed me the most about Masonry I must say. We have to much backtalk and interpersonal crap going in our lodges that doesn't belong there. But that's another discussion.

First as others have said, I don't think you were in the wrong. If more masons would look at the qualifications of people moving up in the line, and not just take it as an automatic thing many lodges would be better off.

As for your position now, I'd handle the petition to join again if and when that comes up as any others. I'd assign a committee and I'd use my vote.
With regards to how you act around him, others have given wise counsel, but I'll share one of my mottos that I go by - "Don't argue with idiots. They pull you down to their level and then beat you on experience"
If you are in the East there is nothing to gain by being petty or giving him special attention, and it's a fight you can't win. Spend your focus on doing good work for the rest of the lodge, and treat him as any other member. If he's out of line, gavel him down. If he acts unmasonically have some one talk to him. If he goes out of line, lodge formal complaints.

Good luck to you. Situations like these are never easy.

 

[JJones]

Yes JJones. I miss mis read that part of your comment. My apologies.

I didn't mean to come across rude or anything if I did. I'm genuinely curious to hear how other lodges handle elections in case there's any allowable variation that's better.

I would suspect however, that if he is trying to regain membership in your lodge, he would come hat in hand with apologies. to you and all that were present. At least he should. Not doing so and just showing up would be cause for votes against his reinstatement in my eyes.

If he comes with an apology. It's a big if. Without such an apology I'd be inclined to vote against him and even to speak against accepting his petition for affiliation the meeting it is read by reciting his history in the lodge. More than one demit over disharmony issues and damaging a VSL in anger with no apology? Not when I'm an officer in the lodge.

Last time he came back he approached us with a very humble and apologetic attitude as well, admitting how wrong and sorry he was. It's my understanding that he's doing the same thing again. If he petitioned and it got accepted then this would be the third time he's joined the lodge and I'm not detective but I'm detecting a pattern here.

I'll point out that he hasn't actually petitioned us yet, he's just stated he'd like to attend meetings once again and eventually try to join once more.

What's annoying about this is the fact that he's apologized to everyone in the lodge since the incident, except me. I'm also annoyed that I had to hear about it 'through the grapevine'. Our Jr. PM is the brother he's been talking to and that same Jr. PM started talking to my JW about it as soon as my father and I were leaving the lodge and out of earshot. Fortunately my JW is a very trusted friend and let us know right away but the fact remains that he's trying to get support behind my back.

Also when he became aware that we were considering masonic charges after the incident he was threatening to file charges against the lodge as well. He was quoted as saying "If I'm going down I'll take your lodge with me". Now he wants back in? Please.

/rant

Anyhow, this thread has given me some perspective. I can bring myself to be cordial and I can even be forgiving, so I'll just keep my actions squared and keep my obligations and duties in mind instead of stooping down to his level.

 

[Michael Neumann]

It will likely be fine as in another gentleman's thread http://www.masonsoftexas.com/showthread.php?18188-I-am-in-a-dilemma&p=97092

 

[JJones]

It will likely be fine as in another gentleman's thread http://www.masonsoftexas.com/showthread.php?18188-I-am-in-a-dilemma&p=97092

Is that in the Sanctum Santorum part of the forum? Cause I can't access it.

 

[Michael Neumann]

Is that in the Sanctum Santorum part of the forum? Cause I can't access it.

Yes. Essentially the gent was having an issue and like you wanted input. It resolved quite peacefully as will yours. You seem to be an upstanding gentleman and WM with a cool head. If the cause of your frustration does return to the lodge room.... and is voted in.... greet him as you do all the brethren, open and close lodge as you always do and karma will handle the rest.

 

[DJGurkins]

Yes. Essentially the gent was having an issue and like you wanted input. It resolved quite peacefully as will yours. You seem to be an upstanding gentleman and WM with a cool head. If the cause of your frustration does return to the lodge room.... and is voted in.... greet him as you do all the brethren, open and close lodge as you always do and karma will handle the rest.

Karma its a bitter sweet fate is it not.