I have been married for 19 years. As with other brothers here, our marriage has not been free of rough times, and has teetered on the verge of divorce more than once. The best advice I have for you, brother, is based solely on what has brought my wife and me this far.
1. Do not race your wife to see who can first get to the "victim chair."
-By that I mean that, in my experience, it is the ultimate goal of most arguments to establish that you have been wronged or are in some other way a "victim."
Proverbs 25:12 says "Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is the rebuke of a wise judge to a listening ear." Now, you may not agree that your spouse is always a wise judge, but chances are that she knows you better than anyone else. A wise man listens to rebuke or correction, and evaluates if there is any truth in it from which he should learn something. A fool rejects possible wisdom without even testing himself by it. Learn to RESPOND to her instead of REACT in defense of yourself.
2. This is my best advice to ANY MAN, OF ANY AGE if he desires to have what was intended in his marriage.
Ephesians 5:25-28
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (*red, here, does not indicate the words of CHRIST, but rather my own addition of highlight) 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
-We all want to fight for OUR RIGHTS, but it takes real courage and strength to lay down what you believe you are due to allow your love for your wife to override your rights. Everyone understands the feelings expressed in the statement "Well, I would do this for her, if she would only do that for me." or "I would act the way she wants if she would just act that way too." In the above scripture, the church was not without stain, wrinkle or blemish, but JESUS chose to lay down HIS right to demand perfection (Which HE actually had, unlike you and I) and instead sacrificed HIMSELF for the church. In other words, she does NOT have to deserve to be treated in this way to be treated in this way. You, however, can only change you, not her. Changes that come about in her will be because of the man you are becoming. Wash her feet! (And I don't just mean figuratively. I have found that doing something that really stands out or is shocking, can serve as a mile marker for a new beginning)
Hopefully your wife's feet are prettier than my buddy's, who modeled for this photo
3. There is stuff in the same passages of scripture addressed to her, but you don't worry about that. That's not to you! You swim in your lane and take care of being the man that she would love to live that way for. The question is do we have the balls to live like that? Try it! It was miraculous in my marriage. I don’t have it down yet, but on my best days, I experience what, I believe, GOD has in mind for us in marriage.
My most sincere thoughts and prayers for you and your wife.
May GOD place HIS hand of healing into the brokenness that exists in all of us, and more especially, right now, your marriage.