I am not a musician but had quite a railroad crash of a upbringing. I was an abused child who discovered drugs and alchohol around 19 after I was medically discharged from the Marine Corps in 1993. I maried a few women and made a few mistakes in life. You Sir can be productive and put your talents to work , perhaps not in your first choice in music but dream on and exercise your skills otherwise untill you get discovered. I know because I am a closet punk fan from the early skateboard days in 1986-9. Being a Mason is , in my opinion not just an accomplishment to be proud of , but a lifelong journey of continuous improvement. It seems to me that you may just need a few people to believe in you and guide you. Once you have a support system you will be able to move onward and upward. Open your mind to all things and try to consider not being an agnostic, anything that is worth believing will touch you somehow, I promise.