Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.